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Houston Chronicle Ken Hoffman column
Sep 08, 2010 (Houston Chronicle - McClatchy-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX) --
Now I know how Thomas Jefferson felt when he wrote the Declaration of Independence.
Monday afternoon, a storm hit the mean streets of my rough neighborhood (West University Place ... west side) and blew out my phone service. Lightning must have hit a telephone pole. I realize that conventional wisdom says, when you put in new sidewalks a few years ago, why didn't you bury utility lines? But I'm not the mayor. Yet.
The wireless Internet is still dead.
Monday night is when I write my Drive-Thru fast-food reviews. You'll remember Monday night was Labor Day, and libraries were closed. I could have taken my computer to a WiFi coffeehouse, but I think that's the first step toward homelessness.
Power outages have happened before, (and there was that time I forgot to pay the phone bill), so not to worry. I just "borrowed" the wireless service of my neighbors -- they're lawyers.
They're also smart. When I tried to sneak on their WiFi Monday night, it required a password. I didn't want to knock on their door and ask for their password, because that's too creepy, like asking "Can I borrow a cup of your private e-mails?"
My computer said there were six WiFi networks available, but they all needed a security password.
Except one -- something called D-Link.
I have no idea what D-Link is, or means, or anything, but I clicked on it. It said the signal was "very weak" and "poor." I picked up my computer and walked around my house. Some spots were stronger than others.
My backyard worked best.
When you read my review of Pizza Hut's new Big Italy in the 29-95 section today, know that I wrote it on my Sony laptop, sitting in a lawn chair, under a picnic umbrella, in my backyard, on some weird public WiFi network that could be spied on by the Russian mafia.
Just like Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence -- although I doubt if Jefferson ever tried Pizza Hut's Big Italy.
Until my WiFi is fixed, I will be officing (hate that word) out of the Edloe Street Deli -- home of the Reg "Third Degree" Burns' Pulled Pork Sandwich -- $8.99 including fries, fruit or potato salad.
I'm like Maxine Mesinger in her heyday, when she ran the show at Tony's exclusive restaurant. I even have a power table. And by power table, I mean a table near an electrical outlet.
I really should be further along in my career than this.
--You know those Orbitz commercials where the guy gets off the helicopter and says, "If somebody else books the same room in the same hotel for a lower price, we'll refund the difference?"
As Lilly von Schtupp said in Blazing Saddles ... it's twue, it's twue.
I went to New York for a weekend and booked my hotel on orbitz.com. Somebody got a better deal, and Orbitz sent me a check for $68. I like companies that tell the twuth in their commercials.
--I'm a huge tennis fan, and I'm glued to the TV these two weeks for the U.S. Open.
I just don't see how the U.S. Open gets away with bragging that it's the highest-attended annual sporting event in the world. Last year, the Open attracted 721,059 fans to the National Tennis Center in Flushing Meadows. That doesn't seem like a lot.
The trick is in the wording. "Annual" and "event" are the keys.
World Cup soccer drew 3.6 million fans in the U.S. in 1994, the record high attendance for World Cup. But the World Cup is held every four years., and it's usually held in several cities within a country. The Olympics drew more than 8 million fans in Atlanta in 1996. But again, every four years.
OK, what about the New York City Marathon? That's held every year and attracts 3 million spectators to the sidewalks of the Big Apple. The Tour de France bike race draws between 12 million and 15 million spectators.
Granted, with the New York Marathon and Tour de France, many of the "spectators" are just waiting to cross the street. And it's free to watch those races, so nobody knows for sure how many people are watching.
The largest attendance for a single ticketed event held on one day in one place is the Indianapolis 500 race -- about 250,000 fans. Woodstock drew twice that, but except for belly-flopping in mud puddles, Woodstock wasn't a sporting event.
So it's true, the U.S. Open Tennis Tournament is the highest-attended annual sporting event held over several days in one place where you have to buy a ticket to watch.
But if you include events held every few years, the U.S. Open is pretty far down the list. Heck, the World Baseball Classic draws more than 800,000 fans -- and nobody goes to it.
--Now I'm intimidating myself, and it's depressing.
Match.com, the Internet dating site, used to let anybody scroll through its roster of dateless without having to register.
Every few months, I used to click on match.com, put in my Zip code, and see if anybody I knew was on there. You'd be surprised who I found on there.
I know, I need to get a life. And I should talk?
About a year ago, match.com began requiring window shoppers like me to register. It was free to register, so I signed up using the name John R. Gibson. I filled out the questionnaire with bizarre answers, like somebody who needs to be locked away. I didn't do the usual lies, like "I love smooth jazz, cooking, working out, fine dining and long romantic walks along the beach at night."
I've been to the beach at night. It's empty.
Everything I put down on the match.com form, I'm the complete opposite.
But now, every week, I get an e-mail from match.com saying that 10-15 women want to meet me.
John R. Gibson is doing better than I ever did!
He's me ... except he's better at it ... and I'm jealous of him, I mean me!
ken.hoffman@chron.com
Listen to Ken on AM radio station 1560 "The Game" from 1 to 3 p.m. weekdays.
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